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Monday, April 12, 2010

Pulp Non-Fiction

Today’s entry is right out of the pulps, you got your colorful villain “The Phantom Burglar” and two heroes; Doc Savage, scratch that, it was Doctor Kramer and his trusty side kick Speyer, Archibald Speyer. And even some good bad dialogue to boot.

William Fonner aka the Phantom Burglar -so called because he was able to evade capture from a dozen detectives one night on Fifth Avenue- was plying his trade at about 3 a.m. this day in 1922. With some implements he began working on the front door lock of the apartment building at 32 East 58th Street.

Little did the Phantom know but there was a female tenant in one of the front apartments lying awake suffering from a toothache who heard his fiddling around and peak out the window and caught sight of him.

She called Doc Kramer who immediately tore open his pajama top baring his well sculpted and bronzed chest. Doc grabbed his pistol and woke up Speyer aka Archibald who grabbed a hunting rifle and followed the good doctor downstairs.

Each of our heroes took up positions on each side of the hall and pointed their weapons at the door. Within a few minutes the Phantom was inside. Once they were sure their arch nemesis was in the foyer they sprung their trap!

Doc Kramer hit the light switch while Speyer hit a switch that autimaticallyclosed the door. The Phantom was trapped! “Hands up!” yelled the doctor. The Phantom looked about and saw that he was covered by both men. Thinking fast the villain said, “This is all a mistake; I came to see the Doctor.”
To which Doc Kramer replied, “Well, you are seeing him now, and my diagnosis of your trouble is that you will surely die if you don’t keep quiet and your hands up.” Pleased with his cheese the doctor continued with, “I’ll first prescribe a policeman for your case.” After which the Doc drew out a whistle and blew it until a flat foot arrived and took the Phantom in.

Once the police were gone Doc Kramer and Speyer sat in the study smoking cigars discussing the case while the former amused himself by dropping as many doctor references into the conversation as possible.
“Well, Speyer, I think we cured the Phantom of his burglaritis.”
“Ha ha. Well said Doctor.”
“Indeed Speyer, that’s the last house call he’ll be making for awhile.”
“Oh, doctor you’re really too much!”
“Yes Speyer, and the Phantom thought he’d be the one operating tonight.”
“Ha haYaaawwn….it’s getting late.”
"Wait, Speyer there's more...Speyer?"


John D. said...

Playing the Doctor will be Robert Downey, Jr. And playing Speyer will be Jude Law. Unless the two of them are busy on another movie, in which cased we'll probably be stuck with Matt Damon and Ben Affleck.

Pat Downey said...

Yes, after RDJR's cameo in the remake of Weird Science.